13, My Lucky Number

"Let me sing you a waltz
Out of nowhere, out of my thoughts."

I really don't know how to format/style what I'm about to write for that matter I don't even know what I'm about to write. I most certainly doubt the clarity of thought or the cogency of reasoning but I'd rather get lost in my own words than spend this time doing something rash and add to the previous I-don't-know list..I don't know why I did it.

I spent a considerable amount of time in the last few days searching for a fantastic something to blog about. I read my friends' blogs, admired their free-flowing prose and poetry and was even more driven to blog but nothing seemed exciting enough to blog about.

Lesson #1: I never write when I'm happy.
Yes..when I'm exhilarated,when I'm thrilled, I'm just soaking in the moment. My brain starts functioning only in retrospect when I can articulate the experience of that moment as I relive it. Don't believe me? Ask my boyfriend.

I am most easily driven to writing when I'm down. To attach a little importance to me and my writing, it gives me perspective. But I'm itching to know what it would be like to capture the essence of a brilliant day extemporaneously or for that matter not having to pen down my thoughts before I counter-attack someone's biting comments. Thank God for memory but..

Lesson #2: Your greatest asset could be your biggest liability.
Especially my memory..have a pretty sharp one, which tends to not forget even the minutest of details. Yupp..my cousin and bro were calling me Time-Table for a long time after DCH was released.

As a result of this memory I can replay each word of the tirade I was subject to yesterday and it pricks me more than anything else ever has. Worse, I'm torn between anger and shame. I don't know whether I'm guilty as charged or those accusations were as baseless as theories of Life on Pluto.

Lesson #3: Grey?
I've always believed that there is no absolutely correct or absolutely wrong side of an argument, most settle in the gray areas in between. (This also explains why I don't score well on the Issue Task of the GRE). So, when asked to take sides i really have to close my eyes and pick at random..whatever happened to good ol' 'the best of both worlds'?

Lesson #4: The dictionary is often inadequate.
The dictionary meanings of arrogance, indifference, pride and temper are qualified depending on whether you're in the right or wrong.

The greater number of paragraphs of this blog start with I. Wouldn't say I'm egotistical but I take myself to be a bit vain(pretty honest of me to accept) and I do give a lot of thought to anything before voicing my opinion, more so if it is of importance. So, if that comes into question, I would stand up for myself.

Today, after heeding some of the advice I initially opposed, I will admit I'm wiser but I will not retract all my statements of yesterday. Everyone was right in parts, why pick absolutes? I still don't discern the necessity for absolute congruity of ideas. This is not arrogance.

Lesson #5: Learning to fly
After a while, you're left alone to try it. To take the falls and learn from your mistakes..you remember Jonathan Livingston Seagull,don't you?

Well you've taught me the basics, I want to get out there and check some moves out myself. My launchpad is home, my control tower is home..that's where I'll always turn to for free, unselfish advice but I've got my wings and I want to spread them out for myself.

Lesson #6: O Solitude!
I won't go the Alexander Selkirk way, I see the charms in thy face. Once in my room, I am blissfully unaware of the outside world..I like it that way. That does not mean I don't care.

I don't consider myself to have many friends but I like mingling with people, talking to them, 'hanging out with the gals'. But I really prize my time alone, though I occasionally push myself over the brink with my thinking (there's only so much you can do alone!!). I have imaginary conversations, act out whole plays, sing at the top of my voice, imitate dance moves I'd never do in public, win prizes(both the Nobel and the Pulitzer), treat myself (even dress up...excessive costume jewelery) like a queen, like a tramp, like anything my mind fancies, talk to my mantelpiece items or just stay quiet and dream and write.

Am I headed the wrong way? Not really, someone said there's no harm in talking to inanimate objects, you make fewer enemies that way and I do treat Chloe and Frankie right and before Protection died, him too. Snap's great though highly disfigured but couldn't help that..he insisted on playing Holi.

Lesson #7: Trouble(d) times are still the best times.
I don't have to be waxing eloquence or staging plays or walking, I could be just sitting saying 'what?' and 'nothing' or just sitting, facing Trouble, these are still the best times of the day. Solitude, thy charms doth wane!

And now I'm thrown into this vortex of mushy movies, which I normally wouldn't watch, far less appreciate..wake up you idiot!..you didn't hear what Celine just said to Jesse?
"But then the morning comes, and we turn back into pumpkins, right?"

True..dammit..back to Lesson 6..do I have to? And those of you who want to know, the above is a quote from the movie 'Before Sunrise', a must-watch for all the die-hard romantics.

Lesson #8: Comfort Food makes the world go round.
That's right, not love, not happiness or anything like that but good, fatty, rich food: Chocolate, Cookies, Oreo's, thick, black Coffee, Orange Juice(works for me),Cheese (on Pizza or Singles in Toast). Whoever said they're just food, not love..back off, I have an ever sharp tongue (powered by an idle brain) and I'm not afraid to use it.

I like hot food.. it makes me all warm inside, irrespective of whether or not it's one of the aforementioned items. Someone who doesn't like chocolate will never understand why chocolate is the only thing which cures the unhappy, sinking feeling one gets when faced by a Dementor.

It is also known to cure joblessness, depression and a whole gamut of human emotions, even the times when solitude's charms turn wicked.

Lesson #9: Andrew Largeman is correct.
This is with reference to something I spoke of in a previous post, the conversation between the two lead characters in this movie I saw, Garden State. For that matter, I've known for a long time that you can never go home.

I remember how excited I was to return to Mumbai for the first time after I had shifted out of there, to catch up with all my friends (yes, I had a lot of them then), to go to our usual hang-outs etc. Mumbai was my city..busy. Not only didn't we not have enough time to do all that(yupp..busy,moving) but I also realised how disparate we had become and in a span of just five months! Eventually, correspondence ceased except for an occasional sms and I look to Mumbai trips with dread cos now it's only a truckload of relatives who fuss about my hair and diet. Not only are my 'friends' unknowns, the city seems alien.

Is Bangalore home then? No, quality of life is great but there's something missing. Chennai is not even in question, though the beach gives it a few points.

Home is where the heart is? Where family is? The last coupla days have revealed a chasm, something which I never thought would happen to me. Maybe it's my over-exaggerated view of a routine struggle for space between an individual and her parents but home doesn't seem like home anymore and family looms like an autocratic government which wants to run your life, not guide/help you through it.

Lesson #10: Still haven't found what you're looking for?..Keep Looking
As my self-description says I am a strong advocate of Justice in this world, as you sow, so shall you reap. I also believe in the Law of Averages and that you can't do the crime and be the judge.( borrowed and mutilated from Shakespeare's Merchant of Venice).

But it is frustrating to see one after another, your efforts fail to achieve the marks you set for them. It is difficult to keep telling yourself that there's a next time and start all over.

I remember my ma reading out one of her favourite Marathi quotes to me, (slightly inaccurate translation): You dream, you work endlessly towards it, but it doesn't materialise, moreover it shatters and the thousand fragments it shatters into, break not only your spirit but cut into your bare feet as you start chasing another dream, oblivious to the bloody feet and the searing pain, thinking this time it'll be different, this time it'll be better.

But what if it isn't?

Till date, all my poems have ended on a hopeful note, ended on a note which resonates ambition..hot, burning desire.. I can see the blood, I can feel the pain but I also see a coagulant and gauze. Today, I'm feeling my way out of the dark, having lost my vision too.

It's hard to not have expectations, to just work and think that'll do the trick. I don't know about everyone but I know I want to be the best at something, something which is my domain and mine alone. After all, there has to be a purpose to my existence, right? And yes, that should be enough to get me out of bed each morning and on my feet, hunting out my talent but there should be something telling me I'm at least on the right track, not running loose.I want milestones, with them I don't mind going light years for a single dream.

Lesson #11: I have beans
Almost _________
That's my biggest fear. What if the story of my life is 'Almost Somebody'? What if I take a wrong turn somewhere and at the end of it all I'm a shriveled, crabby cynic with nothing to show of her life? More importantly, what if my dreams remain dreams?

I have never opted to put my life's ambitions on paper but deem the need to do so today cos someone said a coupla days back that I'd forgotten my values..if I live a long life, I want to realise these dreams not forget them along the way.

Most of all, I want to write books. Books which are about anything and everything, which people can identify with and be inspired by, which I would, in my library put alongside my favorites. I also want to paint,colour was after all my first love. Landscapes and more recently, Cartoons. On a very material note, I want a huge garden where I can grow vegetables especially cucumbers and tomatoes. I want to have a bird bath in the garden and even a bird feed. For my childish fantasies, I hope the house is haunted, with a friendly ghost of course. One which can chase off any donkeys that stray into the garden (yes..I've been very influenced by Dickens) or create a racket when the house seems too quiet (Rowling too) and I want to name it KWERTY, short for King Walter Einstein Rumpelstiltskin The Yesteryeareth. I want to be able to give my parents their dream Limo and my best friend (Nitee..check out her blog) her much dreamed of Merc. I want to affect a child's life in a positive manner, preferably teach a nursery class, maybe stage plays with them, impromptu ones, with no script, no dialogue just non-sense. I want vases filled with fresh flowers in each room of my house, wind-chimes, wooden floors, a spiral staircase..but these aren't the dreams, so getting back.. I want to sail.. a luxury liner, a yacht, a canoe..all possible varieties.

I want to visit a frozen lake and fall asleep, staring at the stars and listening to distant bells. I want to stay up entire nights having long conversations as though there is no tomorrow. I want to think up crazy rituals and laugh my head off while sharing it with someone, spin yarns about kings and queens and battles with someone, take long walks along deserted coastlines hand in hand with someone, share the royalties of my books with someone. Screw Lesson #6..I want Lesson #7.

I have my magic beans, the blood and the pain is forgotten.

Lesson #12: The Mirror never lies.
I once read in the Readers' Digest about this famous skier,who, to come to terms with reality, stood stark naked in front of the mirror, when the temperature outside was a few degrees below zero, for a few hours to let it sink in that she had a mastectomy done.

Last night, there was a rare, profound thought in an episode of Sex and the City, that the only judgment I was really afraid of was mine. Yes, that's probably it. The reason for writing down all of this was not to prove to somebody else that my actions are justified but to ensure that when I look in the mirror I still see someone I am proud of. That mastectomy or not, this is still, Freespirit, head held high.

Lesson #13: There's a song for every occasion..sometimes two!
How else do you explain that 'Run' by Lighthouse Family reminds me of the beach, 'Something Stupid' reminds me of my first kiss, Mozart's 'A Little Night Music' resembles our fights, 'Music of the Night', 'Your Song' and 'So Glad You're Here' transport me to the frozen lake or my dream garden or a park bench or splashing through puddles in the rain, Tchaikovsky's 'Dance of the Toy Flutes' is the autobiography of a rain drop on a lazy Sunday afternoon, Chopin's Waltz and Purcell's Trumpets are about dancing secretly in the dark, thinking no one's looking but getting caught, 'Breaking the Habit' feels like me talking and....I could go on and on.

But will stop at just two more instances.

My playlist has changed drastically through the course of the post and the post itself is reflective of the change in my state of mind. I did go a tiny distance the Selkirk way after all.

Watching Yul Brynner and Deborah Kerr swirling around to 'Shall we dance?' in the 'King and I' makes me want to grab my 'Dancing Shoes' and "dance away my blues"..always.

That's all I've got to say. Let's just continue dancing.