If Only You Knew

All of a sudden I hate my room. I hate its lonely confines. I hate the memories it brings back. The ones I'm trying so hard to erase. Why can't the library stay open beyond midnight? I'm tired. But it's such a chore to go to bed.

Switched on my laptop. No scraps. No mails. Ok..rephrase..no interesting mails. Don't feel like chatting with anyone. All my music is suddenly too loud. The movies are just too dumb or too boring. Why can't the phone ring? It's been ages since someone buzzed. The bed looks like it hasn't been slept in. Well..It has been slept in but only just. It's too draining to close my eyes. I don't know where I am going to go. Did the phobias list contain a word for sleep-o-phobia? Screw the CAT. Screw everything..count sheep woman. Rather reluctantly, I close my eyes.

I am in Baroda again. The time we were returning from Swati Tai's new house. I am in the front seat of the Alto, staring out into the sky. It looks beautiful, a dark inky blue with stray clouds scattered about like the tissues littering my room when I have a cold. I chuckle at the odd comparison and Aate asks me to share the joke. I quickly make up something which has both Aate and Kaku in splits. God, I miss you so much. I don't even remember when was the last time I had a real conversation. One in which I wasn't thinking something else at the back of my head. I have so much to tell you. Why can't you call? Why can't we stop this stupid fight? I really miss you.

*Beeeeeeeep*
"Do you want something besides khaman?" That's Kaku honking me outta my reverie. I smilingly refuse everything. Aate adds that I'm probably missing home. I am sure they are wondering how I stay in the hostel considering here I am lost practically every day. Who's gonna bother to explain that it is you I am missing.

"Sidddd!!"
"Yeah da?"
"We're watching a movie..wanna join?"
"No da..gonna crash"

Damn..broke my lovely memory. Do I really want to continue? Sigh! Do I have a choice?

We're in the jewelery shop. The one in the basement. The one I told you about. My heart's racing, this is the first time I have stayed out so late in Baroda. Got my heart set on buying you one of these rings..can't decide which. Know you'll love the ones which have the devils' faces on them but they look so stupid. The one with the snake is good too but too 'cliched' in your own words. Skull..no..bike..hell no...thumb ring..are you outta your mind?? Aah..this is nice!! I love it. I am sure you will too. Also it will be too big for your scrawny fingers. God, I am gonna love making fun of that. If only we could stop fighting and I could tell you I got you this. Or better still make you guess.
"Madam, aap apne liye kuch nahi legi?"
Fifteen minutes later I walk out of the shop with six pairs of ear rings..mom's so gonna kill me but your ring is so worth everything.

It's started drizzling. The kind of drizzle there was when we met in Bangalore. I was just thinking about it this afternoon. They were playing 'O mere dil ke chain' when I entered the cafeteria this afternoon for lunch. I was going from writing you my 18 page mail. I didn't tell you right? Was humming this song all the time that day we met. Heard it at Nilgiri's and the song didn't leave me till way after you left that night. That evening was so lovely. We did nothing but it was just so great to be together in Bangalore!! Isn't everyone gonna freak out when I tell them L&T Offshore Structures is in Bangalore? Anyway, this is a better workplace. My cell's vibrating. Aate..

Oh!! It's actually vibrating..no C slot class tomorrow. Screw it..who cares!

Roll up my towel and cuddle it in an attempt to sleep. I miss the pillow. It was raining that night too na? I remember how you wrapped it further in newspaper. I remember how I opened the cards under the tubelight in the cycle-shed. I remember my frustration at not finding you a good card. But I loved the kurta. I was so proud of myself for getting you the kurta. I remember how mad I was at the dhobi for asking me its price in front of you. How Bugs and Ajanta made you model it for them. How you kept me awake that night while you were packing. The number of walks we took afterwards. How frustrated you got. God!! Go away!!

This semester started. I was so filled with dread but it went ok so far then the twenties went by..the 21st..how can I forget how I blew up my balance last year in trying to defend my jealousy. The 25th came and you didn't let me walk away from it. Why can't we both just let go? When you stretch a rubber band beyond its elastic limit, it snaps back to hit your finger harder. My fingers hurt enough..I can't take the twangs anymore.

It rained last night too. We spoke last night too. I got what I wanted. Why was the victory so bitter sweet? I messaged you this morning. Why couldn't I put it off for a few more months like I had initially planned? Why can't you be more receptive? Why can't I be less touchy? Why can't I stop crying every time I think of you? Why can't things be different? I don't know how..just different.

Why can't it be carefree beach trips again? Why can't it be long walks and pointless conversations? Why does everybody else seem so boring as compared to you? Why do I have to dream? Why is it so hard? Why? Dammit..why?

"Last night there were no answers.
Today there still are none.
Answers you never needed.
Answers you need no more.
Answers I wanted earlier.
Answers I want no more.
Answers to questions unnecessary
Answers to dilemmas galore.
Answers which were never worded,
The need never arising.
Answers, yet, known all along,
You did know them, didn't you?
At least I thought you knew.
If only you knew.
Would things be different if you knew?
If only you knew

How I wish you knew."

P.S. To the lost souls, how I wish they knew.